Ladies, you rule the World

Women — why aren’t you running the world yet? I’m disappointed. Men are still far too dominant for their own good. We’ve made a testosterone-sodden pig’s ear of just about everything: politics, the economy, religion, the environment.. you name it, it’s in a gigantic man-wrought mess. By rights we should be squealing for your help, but we’re not, because we’re too stupid and too proud. We swagger convincingly, and that’s about it.

War cry
It’s too easy to swagger your way into big trouble without even realising. Well, we’ve had our turn. It’s time for the Rise of the Ladies.

We don’t need a few women in conspicuous positions of power scattered here and there — we need a 10-year prohibition on all forms of male power. Seriously: a decade in which men don’t get to control anything, from the remote control upwards. For one thing, there would be an instant and massive reduction in armed conflict around the globe. Sure, nations would routinely bitch about each other in secret, but there’d be fewer intercontinental punch-ups and a far smaller bodycount.

The economy should clearly be run by women. City boys are no good, plain and simple. Look at them. Listen to them. Consider the carnage of the past 10 years. What the hell were these idiots thinking? Even now they’re still at it. In any sane world they’d all be herded into a shed and blasted with hoses until they promised to stop. Women, if your partner is a city boy, leave him. Dump him with a text message. It’ll hurt for about six days, then your life will improve beyond measure.

Men love machines, because machines remind them of themselves. As a result, men quickly became very good at building machines and then driving them round rather too quickly, shouting “Look at me in my brilliant car!” Please, women, for all our sakes: just lock us in a room with some Lego or something. I’m sorry, but we’re just too bloody stupid to save the planet. Looks like you’ll have to clean up our mess once again. Mankind’s depending on you.

“This is all very well, but none too realistic,” thinks the female reader. “Men aren’t just going to hand over the reins that easily. I know what men are like. They’re self-righteous and stubborn — just like women, but worse.”

Fooled you
Oh, you. Pretty, silly you. We’ve got you brainwashed. See, that’s what our incessant, ruinous swaggering was all about: pretending to be more complex and dangerous than we actually are. In truth your suspicions are correct: we’re very, very simple. We’re lazy and we like to have sex.

That’s all there is to us. Literally: that’s it. The core software we run on could fit in the memory of a digital watch circa 1985 without even scraping the sides.

The only mistake women make is crediting men with far more mystery than they’re capable of. We’re impulsive yet thuddingly predictable, and you’d better learn to love us for it because that’s just about all we can muster. That’s why we bollocksed the planet up. We didn’t mean to. We’re men, that’s all.